Monday, March 11, 2013

I am sitting in my new room in a new house on my bed. I realize it has been a LONG while since I have posted anything here. Right now I just need to write. I was just watching a TV show called "Switched at Birth" from ABC Family. The episode is called Tight Rope Walker. Anyways, all that does not matter as much as the storyline from the episode.

For this to all make sense it might help to have some background to the show.
From R to L: Regina, Daphne, Bay, Katherine, John, and Toby

Bay and Toby were raised by Katherine and John, while Daphne was raised by Regina. However Daphne and Bay were switched at birth and Daphne is Katherine and John's biological daughter and Toby is their biological son, while Bay is Regina's biological daughter. Some different things happen after the discovery of the fact that the girls were switched at birth, including that Regina and Daphne wind up moving into John and Katherine's guest house.

Anyways, after providing you with way too much detail, basically the episode is about Regina starting to drink again after being around a guy, her boyfriend, who she knew back before she stopped drinking. Regina is an alcoholic. Bay wonders if Regina is drinking again when she see's Regina stumbling around after being brought home by a cab one night and winds up telling Regina's boyfriend that she is an alcoholic when trying to see if she has been drinking. Regina goes out with her boyfriend and starts to drink and he confronts her about being an alcoholic. She runs home and yells at Bay for sharing that information and basically tells Bay to mind her own business and to stay out of her life. Regina later calms down and apologizes to Bay and says she is going to go to a meeting ASAP and that she is going to call her sponsor. At the end of the episode you see Regina and she calls her sponsor and leaves a message, only to change her mind and delete it before she hangs up. Then the credits roll.

For some reason that scene really triggered me. There are times when I really really really really really want to go back to cutting, it made things easier, my feelings became manageable. My life was less overwhelming. It gave me an outlet, that, to be honest, has worked way better than anything else I have tried. I know it is not healthy and I know that it is not the way people should think but I get tired of fighting sometimes.

Right now my life stresses have been building up a LOT and I am having a hard time managing them all. Work is driving me nuts. I have no energy for ANYTHING once I get home from work except to lay down with my laptop and watch TV shows. Three times while watching this I have been near tears, and that is so so so strange for me. I am a crier but only when I am having a hard time expressing myself, and let's face it, writing here is the best way I know to express myself.

I pulled up some tabs chrome that I opened up a while back that have some contact information for some counselors in the area, but honestly I don't feel like I have time for all that. I should probably go back to see a counselor, but the one other person I tried out here did not work out that well. In college it took me like a bajillion tries (obviously exaggerating) to find a counselor that worked well for me.

I am still feeling triggered as I sit and write this, but I am going to head to bed because I am not sure what else to do. I purchased some new tools a while back from online in a moment of weakness. I don't want to go into too many details about them. They arrived in the mail at my parents house this weekend. I don't know how something so damaging can feel/look so good in my hands. It scares me. Now I am starting to tear up again. I need to just sleep. Hopefully things will look better in the morning.

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